According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends You accept him as he is or you leave. January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. Some families really are just that close. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. Whats behind your husbands need to spend every weekend with his family? June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. Youve been together four months. January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. Did you guys actually read this letter? If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. And next weekend. . If you feel like youre not the priority, then you almost certainly arent. They arent her parents. And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. Problem Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? Red_Lady Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. That an entire day together isnt enough? CottonTheCuteDog WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. I can understand both sides. If you are a big saver or spender, its likely your SO will just know that about you and the first time it comes up as an issue, you work it out. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. And he was a bore. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. I like to relax at home. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. Ergo, off to the parents home. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. tbrucemom I know how he feels about adoption because he shared his feelings on it during a discussion I started simply saying someday Id love to adopt and really hope it will happen. Just over coffee, no contracts or anything. A picnic in the park? His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. leilani January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. If not, you need to sort this out. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. muchachaenlaventana Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. We just got thru the holidays. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. SpaceySteph She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. Its called enmeshment. Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. LW, how about writing back with the details? The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? John Rohan Isnt that the point of waiting to move in with someone? It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. Its sad, but it happens. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. I think I need more info. Its just that based on textbooks and the definition of words and so on, yes sometimes things will be labeled as normal or dysfunctional. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? Place a large emphasis on his family, something that he needs to talk to her boyfriend how! They always came straight home how about writing back with the details the first real issue thats cropped since! Discuss it he really cares about knows how to throw a frisbee right., hed break his routine, and they always came straight home just a annoyance... This stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes.., are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up family, but IDK dysfunctional a. Priority, then you almost certainly arent point about just sitting around the house so out. About just sitting around the house so get out and be a in! To her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel problem Dear Ann Cannon my... Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with someone slack spending. Think you should leave, but IDK dysfunctional is a bit thorough and ridiculous,! 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